The Holidays

I don't really know what the problem is lately.. I feel so down and depressed most of the time.. maybe it's school and the pressures there, maybe it's my job and having to make sure that so many foster children have a Christmas, maybe it's helping my kids have Christmas.. or maybe it's money.. the boys are both out of money.. it seems everyweek it takes all we make just for expenses and our bills are piling up.. Hank's grant money didn't last like it should have and we have to pay his bills and ours also.. Where does it all end.. the pressure is killing us...
But then on the other hand.. we are so lucky.. Crystal is going through radiation now.. she is doing so good.. at least we have that blessing.. why should I even grip about anything else.. what right do I have to be depressed when there are so many that have so little...
Yet still I feel so down like I have no reason to smile.. the holidays should be a good time .. when actually statistic show it's one of the most stressful times.. there are more deaths and break ups over this period...
Hubby hates Christmas.. his mom died when he was about 14.. Christmas was her favorite time.. after she died his dad turned to the bottle to get through the day... so they had no Christmas except what neighbors or churches brought them... He is really stressed over the holidays... his family even never gets together or has dinner like most families because it does stress all of them so much................
I sure wish I had a rich uncle that would get out of the poor house as my dad used to say... when he would worry about money he would say.. oh well my rich uncle will get out of the poor house soon and I won't have to worry about it........... I really thought he meant it... LOL....
I miss my Daddy!!!!!! *sigh*

Happy Birthday to ME~~!!!

Happy Birthday to Me, Happy Birthday to ME!!!
Wow.. I"M 50 Years old today!!! Does that mean I"m on the down hill side of life... NOPE... My daddy used to say when you turn 50 life begins again...
My Happy Thought for today is..
When I worked at the bank I turned 35.. I thought it was the end of the world, I cried all day. I dressed in a black shirt and pink rockies to go to work.. They made me a black cake with pink roses on it.. They bought my lunch, at lunch I was so upset I could hardly eat.. A man I worked with was about 60 or so.. He said down beside me and said " What are you so upset about.. I mean look at it.. YOU have two choices: You can either turn 35 or push up daisies... I don't know about you but I"m in no hurry to push up daisies" It was about three or so weeks later right before Christmas I think he died of a heart attack.!! I never looked at birthdays quite the same... Now I look at them like I"m not getting older.. I"m just getting better and wiser...
Happy Thought... At least I am here to celebrate my 50th birthday. I have my family and they all love me.. I"m a lucky woman today!!!
I used to sit with a little precious lady that had Alzheimer.. One of her favorite sayings was... "Don't ya wish you had one"!! Well see.. "Don't ya wish today was your Birthday!"
Enjoy your day... whatever your doing!!

Thanksgiving EVE!!

Thanksgiving Eve !!
Today is the day we need to sit down and write out a list of all the things we have to be thankful for.!! I promise you if we are truthful the list will be never ending!!! God is so good to us. We tend to take it for granted...
I KNOW that I do... I grip about the little things that go wrong .. or about what I want to be different, and yet I tend to over look the daily blessing he gives me..
I just want to say thanks.. to everyone out there.. Thanks for your prayers, encouragement, and friendship.!!
Enjoy your holiday................ Please don't forget to thank the man up stairs, He gave us good health, a loving family, and Blessing too many to count...
BTW Crystal is through her chemo and waiting now to see if she has to have radiation. Her tumor has no active cancer cells at this time!!! Praise the Lord!!!

Picture TIME!!

I like posting pictures of my family... Here are a few... Hope you enjoy them!

Updating my world.!!

Monday, November 07, 2005

The weekend is over... Where did it go.. Jason came home.. I hardly saw him..he went to see his honey and other friends... I miss him racing!! .... I buried myself on this stupid computer and did dummy math and Microsoft Computer Applications..Why do I always put everything off until the last minute........ Gee.. You would think I would learn.. How old am I now...(don't you DARE say!!)

I talked to Kali some today... we usually try to talk almost every day or at least every couple of days. we have such grown up conversations... She always starts it with "What are you doing?" and every time we run out of something to talk about she says it again.."So what are you doing Mammy?". she is excited that Jason might get his own place.... because when Hank had his at Norman.. I would go there pick her up and we would spend the night at Hank's.. she is already planning on what toys she wants at Jason's house..lol............. God I love her sooo much.. I can't wait for Braden to get bigger.. Actually shhhhhh ( I would enjoy all my boys having little ones as long as I got to baby sit!) but that can wait a while.. Priorities first OK??!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!(School and jobs.... money don't ya just hate it..!!)

Hank sounds so good lately.. I think he has finally gotten into a youth group like I have always wanted him to be a part of.. All my life I have said I wanted my boys to belong to a youth group like I had growing up at dear old Lake Creek Baptist church.. It was awesome.... I"m so happy for him!!!

Brad and Henry are planning on fishing next weekend...they have a tournament at Eufaula...( That is what they do best..-- fish and fish together...) It's their "he breaths in soo the other he can breath out thing"... They are soo much alike... Plus they are both great dads.!!!! They must have watched my dad raise me huh???

My dad was a lot of things...... but he was an awesome daddy... He had a way of making each of us feel so special like we were his favorite above anyone.and there were six of us.... Today my sister and I went out to the cemetery to put out his winter flowers... she had big tears in her eyes talking about her daughter moving to Hawaii.... then she said.. I miss Daddy soooo much..some days I feel I can't breath without him... how can I be with out Heather..??? It's hard to be a parent........... almost as hard as being the child..!! I was so lucky to have two wonderful ones.... I am amased at my mom every day... There is nobody on the face of this earth like her... She and Daddy did without a lot to give to us but they had hearts bigger than North America!!!! If I could be one tenth the parent they were I would be soo happy!!! Being a parent is a big responsibility... God trusts us with it... Please don't let me flunk!!!

My hours started over for the year at work... So I get to see all the foster kids this month.. I am organizing the Angel Tree and will be responsible for getting their Christmas gifts..(if anyone wants to sponsor a child this Christmas or even just buy one gift... Let me know..) I will be making sure every one has something. I love this part of my job.. I love seeing the kids.... but sometimes it tears my heart out.............. Someone flunked .... or they wouldn't be in the system................... God help me to make a difference in at least one of their lives this month........... let them see the light at the end of the tunnel.... let them hope for and look to a brighter future!!!!!

God Bless the Little Children of the World!!! (isn't there a song like that..??)



Saturday, November 05, 2005

Well Crystal is home from her last inpatient chemo treatment. I haven't seen her but I have talked to Vick.. she is doing good but tried... she went to school on Friday and one of her friends came to spend the night with her... I think that is good for her. She feels so alone at times..but maybe things are going to get better now.. I hope and Pray when she redoes the test the cancer is totally all gone!!!!

Cathy got Debbie at the hospital in Iowa and is on her way to Texas with her... Cathy has her hands full.. I hope she gets help for Debbie in Texas... Debbie is a very special person but she just has a sickness called bipolar and she can't help that..............

Today is Saturday.. anyone want to come over and help me clean?? Come on.. we can do like I used to do my boys.. Let's draw straws to see who does what and who cleans which rooms.. they would always start to grip when they saw me getting 3 toothpicks and making them different sizes so they had to "draw a straw"... This meant the fight was on.... NObody ever liked the job they got or the room they got.. regardless which one it was...

Jason is home for the weekend...He went out last night.. I"m not sure what time he got home... or where he went or what he did...but I don't worry about Jason.. Should I?? LOL.... He is thinking hard about what to do next semester.. I think he has about decided to stay at OU if he can move off campus... He went apartment hunting yesterday... Man oh man......... I"M not ready for this.. MY BABY have a place of his own.!!!!!!!!! Where did my little blonde cotton top go.. the one that used to suck his thumb and hang on to me until I couldn't get a thing done when I would get home from work... he would even hang on my leg when I cooked... but I have to be honest.. he was really sick alot when he was little and I babied him... I miss my baby... but I'm proud of my young MAN!! **HUGS** I can't wait until he graduates college gets a job and gets married... I am ready to have another granddaughter but I don't think everyone knows if he has a little girl she has to be named JACEY.... that has been my nickname for Jason most of his life.. so get ready any girls reading this and get used to the idea... if you marry my son.. your daughter's name has to be Jacey!!! LOL...

I'm not sure if Hank will ever get married... but I honestly think the best thing that could happen to Hank is for him to get a girl in his life.. someone to share his deep thoughts and dreams with.. he seems so restless at times.. and troubled from within.. a good Christian lady might be just what the Lord ordered.!!!

I haven't talked to Kali hardly at all this week.. I have been so busy.. I talked to Brad a bit yesterday.. Kaci's shoulder is some better.. she is busy trying to close on a couple of houses .. so we haven't really stayed in touch... Braden isn't interested in walking yet.. but then he doesn't have to rush.... I miss my babies.. maybe if I had more I wouldn't miss them so much..YEAH RIGHT>>> it's me we are talking about.. I have 3 boys and I miss everyone one of them.. if I had more grandchildren I would just have more to miss... My daddy used to say all the time.. Babe I wish I had a hundred like you.. I thought he was just teasing.. THE Man was serious.. I KNOW THAT NOW!!!

Have a good weekend!!!

OOops...!!

Ooops... I forgot another niece.... she is really special to me also.. But thank goodness she is doing great... In fact.. she goes to college with me.. helps to teach me the ropes... I don't worry about her much.. she has her head on straight and is a great young lady.!!! I love her just as I do the other ones... she just has her own auto pilot and her mom is always there to lean on.. she doesn't need me like the others do... But she is just as special!!!

Choices..!!

OK.. what happened to a week full of Happy Hearts and Pleasant Thoughts!! Some one stole it from me..!! HURRY BRING IT BACK!!!!

Where do I start.. or should I share what is going through my head.?. Hank says he doesn't read my sight because it is always so depressing... Wow... have you read his?? It's always so deep....!!! Could it be we are alike in some ways?? Imagine that?? He gets us to thinking huh?? Good for you child!!!!!!

I told you before I have never had a daughter until Brad married Kaci.. I love her with all my heart...but still she has a mom I don't want to take her place so even though we are close and share somethings it's not the same as her being my daughter. That comes with sharing things all along I think. I do have 3 nieces that I'm very close to... All three are going through their own kind of hell right now... My heart is very heavy this week for all of them... Pray that God doesn't give them more than they can handle...Each problem is very different.. Each one handles things differently but yet in their own world each is going through sooooo much right now..

One is about to move to Hawaii... her mom isn't so healthy and she worries about moving off and leaving her. Her hubby isn't the father of her oldest child. She was married before and had this little girl... So Laken's dad has decided he doesn't want his daughter in Hawaii even though she has never lived with him except her weekends and summer vacations. He is going to court to try to get custody of Laken.. This is causing problems for my niece.. She feels so torn from the man she loves who has no choice because of the military.. His orders say Hawaii and Hawaii it will be. (hawaii should be a happy place we long to go to -- not a burden) But how can a mother go off and leave her family (her mom and possibly her daughter).. The Bible says forsaking all others cleave thee only to him...!! They argue about this some..... He has no choice... she is hurting inside because of her choices ...... Prayer is all that can help!!!

Another niece and I go from talking all the time... To years without a word.. it's weird I know but then her situation is really weird. Her mom is my husband's sister... The mom is bipolar.she is a very special lady also but this illness grips her at times and won't let go.. I feel my niece has inherited some of this behavior. Her mom has been living with her because she had no other place to go.. She can't keep a job because of here illness (yes bipolar is an illness, a very sad one) But this week her mom had a really bad spell... She hit bottom, they had to take her to a mental hospital. This killed Christy.. she is the one that had to sign her mom in... She called me crying and very upset....She had no choice.. (here is that word again choices) yet she feels she just disowned her own mother.... I tried to encourage her. Tell her if her mom isn't on medication she has to have help... It's odd.. Christy and I haven't talked in about 6 months because of her mom and yet when the going got rough who did she call... Me.. her second Mom..(Christy and her sister lived with me for 17 months when they were little because of her mom's illness) . I was glad to hear from her..... I miss her and I know this is hard for her... They go to a mental health hearing on Friday morning at 8 AM.. Pray for Christy and her mom and everyone involved.. Her mom my never in her present state of mind forgive her daughter to doing this.... But what else could she have done???????????? Pray.!!!!!!

The other niece I'm so close to you hear me talk about all the time... All the other problems seem so petty compared to what Crystal is going through... She went for her last round of chemo until they do more testing at least... I talked to Vickie last night.. They are in the room with a little girl Emily. Emily is from the same town we live in. Emily has been crying the whole time they have been there.. she too has cancer... her outlook is not so good.... Without a miracle Emily might not make it... This has Crissy soo upset... for many reasons... She can't rest for the little 4 yr old crying.. This has her thinking non stop... will hers not respond as Emily's hasn't... Crystal lays there wondering about so many things and yet others in life worry about what to wear tomorrow or where they will live... Who is talking to whom and who is mad at who....Petty things compared to cancer and facing life and death..... Crystal is strong.. right now everything looks good... She is responding to treatment... The tumor is shrinking... yet the questions are still there... The Choices(that word again) she makes will affect her life forever... not just tomorrow...

I had a friend tell me once.. will it matter tomorrow.. will it matter next week.. will it matter in five years..... will they talk about it after your dead and gone.. if so it matters if not.... Give it to God let him worry about it..!!!!!! OMG........... can we do that with all our troubles .... Don't we all wish it was that easy......

Pray for my nieces... each is special to me.. each is going through so much and there is nothing I can do to help any of them but Pray!!

Crystal's Birthday..!!

Today is Crystal's birthday .. She is 14.. Yesterday we have a huge family dinner at Granny's for her. She got lots of presents and was really surprised when she got a pearl and diamond necklace, ear rings, and ring from her parents... it was really great... She looked so happy... Her mom shaved her head in support of Crissy... That helped soo much... She goes back on Tuesday for her last round of chemo.. well at least the last round for now...Pray everything is going to be gone and ok...

My boys were all home this weekend.. It's rare that we have Brad home without his family... it started out as just harmless chit chat.. but Hank and Brad got to discussing politics... it got pretty bad... Whether I agree or not with either one of them was not the point.. as a mom I was upset that they could yell at each other like they would a stranger about whether the war in Iraq is right and if Bush has any sense in his head... They have always been a bit of rivals. The other boys call Brad my golden boy and yet.. I have never understood that.. I'm closer to them than him.... Brad and Henry are really close.. I think sometimes one of them breaths out so the other can breath in.. I tell them this.. You know we don't love one more than the other..but sometimes personality and interests will draw us closer to one person than another.. That in no way means you love them more or less.. Just different...

My son's friends are always saying.. "your mom doesn't like me.. I can tell"... How can they tell..?? do they know me that well..?? I don't think so.... I might not always agree with their friends.. or see eye to eye.. just as my boys don't.always agree on politics....but I like all my boys friends.. they have good friends because they are good boys... Right now I'm a bit troubled about one of Hank's friends... This is one that has always thought I didn't like her.. The fact is.. I love her... she is different granted but she has always been a burden on my heart.. She is different because of the life she has had... it's not her fault.. in her own way she is a precious young lady...I"m proud of her!! She is now married and about to have a child... yet I read her xanga... I read between the lines because I do know her well... from over the years... I wish I knew what was troubling her...She should be in her happiest days.. Just married expectin her first child.. yet I read a sadness or restlessness in her words.... Pray for this young lady.... I wish her only the best always... !!

I'm kinda sad myself lately.. I never had a daughter... I have had a few nieces that I feel are my own... and one sister in law that I couldn't feel closer to than if we were twins..but... no girls of my own (until I got Kaci and Kali that is)... My niece and her hubby are about to move to Hawaii..(he is air force).. He leaves Nov 15.. she will stay until after Christmas... then go over... Today at church we had a going away dinner for them.. She cried, lots of people cried... I didn't.. why?? because if I started to cry I'm not sure I would stop... So many things have been going wrong in our lives lately... if I started the walls of pretend would break and it would be worse than New Orleans!!!! Her little girl told me today.. I will be 13 before we get to move back.. the same age as Crystal.. OMG..............I don't even want to think of her kids growing up without me around to watch over them.. Hawaii is a long ways..but I just might need to go visit from time to time... Now I just have to figure out when because of school and how because of money.. any contributions can be sent to my home address thank you very much..!! LOL....

Well here is to a new week... a week full of nothing but happy hearts and pleasant thoughts.............. Start your week with Prayer and every thing else will fall into place... !!! Have a good one!!! **HUGS**

Just a few pics from the past...!!

Vickie and Crissy


Hank, Brandy and Crissy
Jason and Crissy


Crystal with her parents.. Vickie and Randy at Brooke's wedding this last year before Crissy got sick...
I am going to try to add some pictures from the past... wish me luck!!

Copied from my xanga...

Friday, October 28, 2005

I can't sleep... it's late.. I have too much on my mind.. my ear hurts... I'm restless and edgy... I was asleep and about 11:30 Vickie called me. (my sister-Crystal's mom) It's odd that she would call me that late. I instantly thought something was wrong. She said no I just never returned your call from earlier today.. We talked a bit then she began to cry. I ask what was wrong. She said.... "I just shaved my head". It seems Crystal has been trying to go back to school this week. It's been really hard for her. Before she got sick the girls there were sometimes cruel about their remarks and comments. (I have a big problem with people that do that... either be the same or shut up..but don't be one way one time and another way another time...be honest about how you feel about your friends. honest enough to tell them what you tell others) Crystal thought since she had gotten sick that the girls had grown up. Petty jealousy and games would be a thing of the past. She was wrong. They act about the same except for a couple of special ones. Crystal feels left out and alone. The boy that was her boyfriend before she got sick won't even talk to her now. (he doesn't want bothered with being her friend--his words)..She told her mom she thought her friends would support her and help her though and they have just made it harder for her..... So to show her support Vickie shaved her own head. When Crissy went to bed Vick called me... How do you protect your child? How do you know what to say when things like cancer threaten their very existance? How do you protect them from peer pressure and harmless teasing in some eyes but hurtful back stabbing in others? As a Mom what can you do?? If you defend and get involved you look like you hate their friends... If you shut up it looks like you approve of the teasing or back stabling.... If your child ignores it then the problem only gets worse.... ONLY GOD HAS THE ANSWER... PRAYER!!!

Crystal is going through soooo much right now..just the battle to stay alive and beat the cancer is more than most adults could handle ... let alone a 13 yr old girl.. when this is over she will be such a stronger person and realize that her friends weren't worthy of being called HER friend if that is how they choose to act.....But until then... how do you handle this problem?

It makes those petty jealousy and hateful meaningless comments seem so uncalled for and unimportant.... There is a person in one of my classes at school..She seems like a very sweet person..but resently I without ever realizing she would repeat and add to what I said...or even know the person i referred tooo I commented on one of my boys and how he gets annoyed with little things like his phone ringing non-stop.. he has lots of friends and little day time minutes..Plus he is a guy.. guys don't talk on the phone like us girls do... but this person took what I said.. blew it up some and made a harmless comment into a huge problem.... this is how the girls are doing Crystal.......... why does these things happen.. LIFE IS TOO SHORT FOR this kind of crap!! We all need to watch what we say.. and treasure those people in our lives that God has placed here for a short time..Me included...

When I was in high school my very best friend's sister got killed... I grew up that yr so much more than I had before.. Life took on a new meaning to me and I saw things so different than others in my class that didn't know my friend or her sister... It changed me.. Just as all this will change Crystal and all of us who are affected by it.. I know it has already started to change us.. My boys try to hide it but there are times... They are doing the man thing.... They don't want to talk to anyone... They hold it all inside.. as their mom.. I'm soo proud of how they have supported Crissy and been there for her..but also as their mom I wonder..Why? We aren't suppose to question God ever..but... lately I wonder not question just wonder why God picked Crystal .. Why my boys? It's a big burden to them to always be there for her... to support her and treat her as they always have... make her feel like the little sister that annoyes them and they love above and beyond ...Yet they welcome this "burden of love" they embrace it with open hearts.... They might be short some days with others... have little to say because these little things seem petty in view of what is actually going on in our lives ... yet they never fail to be there for her...She is THEIR little SISTER... the one they never had.. and the big brothers she never had... So all I can say is look out world... Here comes trouble if you upset her ..... She is special.. God made her special... She will always be special..... God won't give more than we can handle but he will help us handle what he gives us.....That might be knockin some heads together huh boys to set a few thoughtless teenagers in good old LW straight!!!

Crystal's birthday is Oct 30th.. she will be 14.. We are having a party at my mom's on Saturday for her..if anyone would like to send her a note or ecard her email address is crissy73655@yahoo.com ..I know she will love that.. She starts her last round of chemo on Tuesday....21 days in the round then they will go in and redo all the tests to find out exactly what is going on with the cancer ................ PRAY.... for her and her parents... Plus I'm not sure many know this.. Crystal's grandmother (her dad's mom) has been so upset about all this she had a heart attack a few weeks back.. Crystal has worried it was her fault..(which it wasn't)... See how much this young child has on her mind and so she tries to go back to school to get it off her mind and live a normal life and BANG... it's normal all right, complete with worthless comments and hurtful looks....

Life isn't fair.... But then God never promised us heaven on earth did he.... He just promised us eternal life if we trust in him!!! Only he can save us..... !!! The Power of PRAYER is AWESOME!!





Thursday, October 27, 2005

Wow!! What a relief... I just took my psychology test...!! I was a nervous wreck.!! I managed to make an 82 on it.. I wanted to do better but hey .. that is a B.. I'm OK with that!!! I think Jason made an A in this class last year... I can't let him out do me that bad... Hank said it was the hardest class he ever took and he made a B in it... My boys are smart.. what can I say... it would be nice if I could say they got it from me!! LOL

Speaking of my boys... You know.. I have always been really proud of them..but each day I think that pride gets a little bit bigger... My daddy used to always say.. your just as good as the friends you hang out with.. remember that and choose wisely because if they mess up.. you will be blamed right along with them..!!! My daddy was a smart man... As each day passes and I get to know my boy's friends ever better I KNOW I have good boys.. They have great friends.. I don't think there is a girl that Jason knows that I wouldn't approve of as a daughter in law... Each one of them are special and he is close to each one in a special way... Hank is a friend to everyone he knows.. he is always trying to help them fix things in their lives and be there for them...Brad has a wonderful wife.. he is a fantastic dad.. where did he learn that from.. a good combination of his dad and myself I would guess... I might be a long way from perfect.. I might make huge mistakes at times..but my boys still love me.. They are great kids.. Love the Lord... and have good friends that do tooo.....

Oh Jason has friends that get upset with him at times... lol.. he is bad about not having his phone with him and they think he is ignoring him.. Just tonight at the Sonic I had a girl from his home town rush up to me and ask me what Jason's problem was.. he never answers his phone and doesn't return her calls... I put the blame where it belongs.. after all I"M the mom... He and Hank share 500 day time minutes... Jason's phone rings off the wall at times.. unless they have cingular he is using the minutes.. which isn't a problem if it's weekends or after 9PM or it's a cingular call.. other wise Jason uses all the minutes and Hank is left with nothing.. or the bill goes sky high...So I told her.. Well that is probably my fault.. I get on to him for using all the minutes and always on the phone... She was really nice about it.. I sure Hope I haven't hurt anyone's feelings... I'm just being a mom like always..lol...I tend to get a little defensive with girls that like to spend too much time in my boy's lives.. ask my daughter in law.. before they got married.. I was horrible at times... I didn't know how to let go and back off.. I"m better now but gee.... those are my babies................. I wanted them to stay little and live at home FOREVER!!!!




Sunday, October 23, 2005

Although things are not perfect
Because of trial or pain
Continue in thanksgiving
Do not begin to blame
Even when the times are hard
Fierce winds are bound to blow
God is forever able
Hold on to what you know
Imagine life without His love
Joy would cease to be
Keep thanking Him for all the things
Love imparts to thee
Move out of "Camp Complaining"
No weapon that is known
On earth can yield the power
Praise can do alone
Quit looking at the future
Redeem the time at hand
Start every day with worship
To "thank" is a command
Until we see Him coming
Victorious in the sky
We'll run the race with gratitude
Xalting God most high
Yes, there'll be good times and yes some will be bad, but...
Zion waits in glory...where none are ever sad!

"I AM Too blessed to be stressed!"

The shortest distance between a problem and a solution

is the distance between your knees and the floor.


The one who kneels to the Lord can stand up to anything.

Love and peace be with you forever, Amen.





Tuesday, October 18, 2005

Crystal did her eighth day of treatment in her 21 day cycle yesterday.. She had a reaction again like she did on the first round. Thank goodness she was still in OKC and Vick got her straight to the emergency room. Her reaction wasn't as bad as last time or so they said. They kept her at the hospital and were giving her blood at 11pm because her levels were below 8. Pray for her and Vick. It's really hard on them. I feel guilty they wanted me to go with them yesterday but I thought it was more important to clean my carpets.........
It seems like just when we think things will be ok something happens that sets things bad again. Does that mean we should live each day like there is no tomorrow and if we did. What would we do...??? Would we party and carry on or would we live as good as we could and spend all our time telling others not to worry because we knew where we would go tomorrow??? Think about it.................................. It's a life altering decision!!!

Crystal is doing good!

She got to come home. They had to give her blood but she is much better.. thanks for your prayers... !

Crystal had a reaction.. PRAY FOR HER!!

Crystal did her eighth day of treatment in her 21 day cycle yesterday.. She had a reaction again like she did on the first round. Thank goodness she was still in OKC and Vick got her straight to the emergency room. Her reaction wasn't as bad as last time or so they said. They kept her at the hospital and were giving her blood at 11pm because her levels were below 8. Pray for her and Vick. It's really hard on them. I feel guilty they wanted me to go with them yesterday but I thought it was more important to clean my carpets.........
It seems like just when we think things will be ok something happens that sets things bad again. Does that mean we should live each day like there is no tomorrow and if we did. What would we do...??? Would we party and carry on or would we live as good as we could and spend all our time telling others not to worry because we knew where we would go tomorrow??? Think about it.................................. It's a life altering decision!!!

Decisions!!!

Crystal got home from the hospital. I went by to see her. She looks really worn out and tired. She was really white... Poor little girl.. God I love her soooo much.. She just has to be ok... She just has too... Vickie is worn out too... (that's her mom) It's a long haul... Wish them luck and pray that God will Bless them through this and make them stronger...

My friend called me today.. welll actually his mom called first. She was having trouble finding a lawyer. She didn't find one. Then he called he got out on bond. His mom is having to pay out the bail bondsman. I have such mixed feelings about this. I mean I have really grown close to this kid.............. But he told me he will be arrested in the next day or so also for charges in Greer county. Ok..... this is getting personal. I have no idea what for in Greer county. I'm assuming the same thing larceny and drugs. My sister's storage along with about 10 or more other peoples got broken into recently. She got a rocker stolen that her first husband bought her when she was preg with her first child. The rocker was an antique and she has had it for almost 40 yrs. Why would someone do those things??? Was it my friend? If so how do I really feel about him now? Where is my loyalty at with my sister if I befriend someone who possibly stole .. maybe not from her but from someone.... But where is my Christianity at if I turn my back on a friend in trouble. Could I be the turning point that could possibly show his the Way of the Lord and him turn his life around..??????? I have always wanted to be a counselor in a drug and rehab center for teens............ If I turn my back on him.. what kind of person am I .. I surely wouldn't be fit for the job I feel is part of a calling from God.... But if I defend him and stick by him what am I saying to others and to my sister???????????

My middle son is preaching tonight.... Maybe God has a message for me from someone that is so much like me and yet so different from me... An answer to this fence I am riding.. Do I support a friend or not? I have already told him I don't agree with it.. and how wrong I think he was for this................................ But do you kick a man when he is down or do you reach down and help to pull him out of the mess????

Restless ~~~~~

RESTLESS~~~~~~~

I can't sleep. Everyone in the house is asleep. I"m the luckiest woman on the face of the earth. I have my family, they are all healthy. No real big problems except short on money, but who isn't. Yet my mind wonders and I can't sleep.

I talked to Crystal tonight. She is on the second day of her start of her third round of chemo. She is doing good. My youngest was over there trying to cheer her up. Big job for someone's baby huh? But he is a great kid with big shoulders, I"m sure he can handle it!!!

My oldest son and his family came in today. He took my granddaughter hunting. The video was really good, she is so precious. Hearing her talk to her DAD all dressed up in camo and sitting in a hunting blind talking about the four deer about 150 feet off. It's priceless. Watching Brad with his son right before bedtime. The little one crawling all over the floor playing chase with his dad. It makes me so happy to see what a great DAD my son is. I'm sooo lucky!!

Sometimes I know my middle son wouldn't want to know this but we are more alike that he wants to believe or see. All his friends come to him for advice and with their problems. Today was my day to be like him I think ?

There are others out there not so lucky. I worked today. I transported some foster kids. They had a visit with DAD. The DHS can't really find anything that DAD did but marry a psycho that burned their youngest with cigarettes to try to get it blamed on DAD so she would get custody in the divorce. They can't prove what happened. He passed the lie detector, she didn't. But still DAD hasn't had but one hour a week supervised visits with his sons in over a year now. It makes me so sad.

I got an email from a child that used to be in foster care. Her and her brother are part of the tribal now. Their mom is getting out of jail this week and they might get to go back and live with her soon. The little girl wanted to know if I would come to her brother's football game when he plays in our town soon. She said he was upset because his mom said she couldn't go to a football game. She would be too busy since she is just getting out of jail and needs to see all her old friends and look for a job. WOW... she isn't even out of jail yet but she already knows she will be to busy to watch her son she hasn't seen in 3 yrs play football..................................................... Amasing huh?????!!!!!!

Then tonight my phone rings. It's the grandmother of the little boy that had his tonsils out. The little boy is crying. He hasn't heard from mom since the day she showed up at the elevator when we were leaving the hospital. So they called me. I enjoy being everyone's favorite. But I can't take the place of his mom no matter how hard I try. The mom is off somewhere doing drugs and the little boy is crying himself to sleep.

It's strange that my phone rang twice tonight with problems. There is a boy in my psychology class at college. I have sorta adopted him. He is a troubled teenager. I could see it from day one. He put my number in his phone one day saying if he ever needed mothering he would call me. Just as a joke at school. Tonight his mom called me. She was crying so hard I could hardly understand her. They had just arrested him. He was with some friends on Sunday night. They robbed a place. She claims he was just with them but didn't want to and didn't do anything but hold the door. That is the only place they could find his finger prints. But they did find them on the door. He told her to call me and see if I knew a good lawyer. I told her one. Then she started to cry even harder saying they don't have any money. She can't afford a lawyer. I don't really know what she wanted from me.?? She said he has court tomorrow to post bond. She has no money for bond, no money for a lawyer. Did she think I was going to offer to pay his bond and help? I wish I could but I can't do this. I barely know the kid, but I could tell he was a troubled kid from the first time I ever saw him. He wrote some poems and I read them. They are heart breaking. Now I can't sleep. I told her I would call tomorrow to see how court went. What can I tell this woman???

I had a bad day at work today. Nothing special just restless I guess wondering if I was doing the right thing. Keeping my job and going to school. What difference could I make. I"m just one person. There are tons of mixed up people who either abandon or neglect their children. Why do I think I could make a difference???

But laying in bed beside my hubby and my granddaughter I think. You know I"m just one person. I"m not perfect, I have made millions of mistakes, but I have raised good, Christian kids. Maybe just maybe I could make a difference in just one of these kids lives. Maybe just maybe they could find love and direction instead of anger, hate, drugs, alcohol, or trouble. Did God put me in college to be a worker or because of the kids I would meet while I am going to college............

Don't we wish we had the answers and could see into the future.??? Pray for my foster kids.. Yes they are mine... Pray for my college friend... Pray for me.... God has a plan. I'm just not sure what it is. Don't let me go down the wrong path because I am looking for the right one so hard!!!!

Good Nite... Sleep tight... I wish I may, I wish I might, Have this wish I wish tonight!!!!

Tomorrow is Another Day!!

I have to work tomorrow.............. Some days I wish I didn't work at the job I do.. it's depressing..................... But the kids are so needy... I feel wanted, needed and loved.......................... I have this problem.. I like to be everyone's favorite... That isn't hard with my job... I don't take the kids out of the home.. I'm the one that takes them to see their parents... or buys them an ice cream.... I give them hugs and try to make them feel like they are the most important thing in my life......................................... AT that moment.. They are.. each and everyone of them.... Foster kids....God Bless each and every one of them tonight................. Give them hope and calm their fears.!!!
Crystal is in the hospital for the next 3 days.. she is starting her third chemo treatment.... pray for her.. she is a brave little girl!!!

I"M BACK!!

Well it took me about 3 days.. and tons of phone calls and emails..but I'm back with my Yahoo email and messenger.... I'm not sure who stole it.. I'm not sure they won't do it again....here is what happened. When I logged on my yahoo messenger on Thursday I had a message from a friend that said.. I updated my web page go here and take a look.. it had a link on it.. I went there.. it was a porn advertisement...I logged out and couldn't use my account after that until about 2 am this morning when I finally got an email from yahoo with a new password... The strange thing is.. I logged on my other yahoo messengers... both of them had a message from me on Friday that said the exact same thing as my friends had when he sent it to me.. I never sent myself a message... I have talked to several other people.. all my kids got a message from me on Yahoo also... and I know 4 of my friends have.. The only way I was able to get my account back was they looked back over the years and I knew the answers to my test question.. I could name 5 previous passwords.. I could name at least 5 email address in my address book.. I knew the last few emails i had recieved...I knew the birthday and zip code that were used to set up the account... Who ever it was had gone in and changed all my info in my account.. the birthday was wrong..the zip code as wrong.. it had my address as argentina or something like that... my name was changed to fuck you.. it was the weirdest thing I have ever seen.... but I hope it's all change back now and working ok...So beware~~~!!

The races Saturday night were great.. Until they decided to do as they always do... take out the winner reguardless of who it hurts.... The took Jason out on purpose.. I am so sick of this... I'm GLAD it was the last race of the season!!!! I'm not sure I want him to even race next year.... The owner has his favorites and the good clean young driver.. who minds his own business... drives clean and wins anyway is not one of his favorites.. it doesn't get the crowd going!!!! The idiot!! I wish I had the money to build our own track and put him out of business!!!! I can name at least 20 or more drives that have stopped driving because of him!! and his rules that change depending on who you are..!!!

We went to baby sit my grandchildren on Sunday... Man oh MAN I love those kids!!! It made my week.. Then we stopped by the casino on our way home.. I came home 210 bucks ahead.. not bad....!!

Update on Crissy...

Thursday, October 06, 2005

The news on Crystal... Here is her picture....She is one happy little girl right now... she has a chance of making it..!!!

Well here is the story.. Crystal had to go to the doctor in OKC today(Thursday) for the Gallium test .. When they were doing the test the tech guy said I don't see any live cancer cells... now where did they say it was..(last time it was in her neck and left shoulder as big as 2 large fist and laying on her heart).. Then they see the doctor that found the cancer in the hallway.. She says I hear you have good news... the mass is about 75 to 80% smaller... They met with the clinic doctor at 1PM.. This is when they heard the rest of the news.. it is only about as big as a silver dollar.. It has no active cancer cells and it is basically dead and not growing..!!! PRAISE GOD!!! We know he is the only one that can be given credit for this.. God is amasing!!! He is so Awesome... Crystal will still do the next two rounds of chemo and might still have to have radiation after that... Just to be on the safe side because they can't operate and take it out because of where it is... BUT.... it's stopped growing.. it's not alive.. and it's 75% smaller..!!!!!!

WOW!!!!! Thank you Jesus, for hearing everyone's prayers.. Now just keep up the good work... Give Crystal a testomony that will cause non believers to fall to their knees... !!

Help!!! Email me !!

I still can't get into my usual email.... So if you can read this email me at Merssadie@yahoo.com I don't have anyone's email and it won't let me track the email from this blog spot... So Partha or anyone else if you read this email my Merssadie@yahoo.com so I can get your email and not loose contact..PLEASE!!!

HELP!! Yahoo hates me!!

I have had the same email address for 6 yrs.. my email has everything in it.. I can't believe what has happened to me.. It keeps saying I have an invalid password.... I haven't changed it.. It's been the same for over a year.... HELP What do I do??

The Cancer is SMALLER!!! Thank you God!!

The Cancer is smaller!!! Thank you GOD!!!!
I just got word from my sister... Crystal's tumor is quite a bit smaller... The tech guy showed them when he was doing the test... Now they have to meet with the doctor at 1PM to see what she has to say and what they will do next.... Wish them luck and send your PRAYERS!!! Thanks... Just me..

Pray for Crystal today!!

Pray for Crystal today!!

My 13 yr old niece is at OKC Children's Hospital today. She is doing the battery of test to see how much her Cancer has changed. She has Hodgkin's Lymphoma. They just found it in August. It was the size of two large fists starting in her neck, going down to the lymphon nodes under her left arm, and resting across her heart. Surgery because of where it is.. Is NOT an option. In addition to the mass she also has Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever. That is how they found the mass. They were looking to see what was causing her to within two week (after she first started to have problem) she was acting like she had sever MS. This was a normal teenager ready to go to Falls Creek the last week of July and by the Last week in August she can't hold her balance, can't walk across the floor alone, you can barely understand what she is saying, she has trouble holding her head up straight and everything in blurred to her. But she got the RMSF because GOD wanted them to find them to find the mass.

I don't work until 2 today.. I have to transport foster children.. They have a visit with their mom...They turn into wild animals when they see her. They are pretty good kids when they are with the dad.. and they are very well behaved sweethearts when they are with the foster parents. They are just two and five. The plan is to let them go home with Dad soon. I wonder... I had my nieces when they were small for 18 months while their mom and dad "worked on their Marriage" (it didnt' work by the way.. ) but the girls went back home.. Mom and Dad had a rocky, unstable marriage, their home life reflected it and the girls turned out to be mothers at 15, used drugs, and have horrible lives, even worse than their parents. I wonder sometimes since I started this job.. Is it better to leave some children in the system for them to be foster children and have a chance of changing rather than putting them back into the same enviroment and letting them see the same things???

It turned cold here yesterday... here I put on capris and sandals and before I got home it was 65 degrees, raining like crazy and the wind was horrible... Good OLD OKLAHOMA!!!!! LOL

Monday!!!

Hey MONDAY is over.. It's smooth sailing now huh??

Brad is here.. well he is in and out.. He is hunting early and late and plowing for his father in law between..I can't remember when it was just Me, Henry and Brad... of course they watched speed and outdoor channel.. talked tournament and racing.. It was nice to hear them.. I miss my boys... I'm not sure I know how to NOT be a MOM.... I know I don't want to unlearn what I know or stop being a mom... I just miss my babies, my teenagers and my young men... They are and will always be my world!!

Today I was in the hall at school. A lady that we had her kids in custody came up to me all upset.. Seems her boyfriend's ex-girlfriend is trying to start trouble with her.. She thinks the woman is going to tell lies on her. The woman I was talking to just got her kids back last week.. She wanted me to call work and tell them if someone calls in a complaint about how she is treating her kids not to listen to them.. It's the other woman trying to cause trouble..(and how do I know that??? ) I was embarrassed.. It wasn't the time or the place to have a grouch session about what I needed to do so she doesn't loose her kids again... I just gave her a hug and said.. If your not doing anything wrong.. Don't worry about it... The allegations won't stick... But is that true.?? Sometimes do parents get bummed wrapped for charges that they are abusing their kids.. When really they are just trying to be good parents.... Probably... sometimes.... BUT... It's hard to be a good parent.. and even harder to prove yourself after you have messed up.... I can't give that woman advice.. I'm not perfect or anywhere close to being the perfect Mom.... I do know one thing though.. if some man...(who isn't even her babies dad.. and I mean babies.. twins not even 2 and a little girl barely 3) anyway.. if that man was making me in jeopardy of loosing my kids (yet again) I would tell him and his EX to hit the road... I would worry about my kids not some jealous maniac and her lover.!!! Priorities... Sometimes that is the problem.!!

Where are our priorities?? Think about it.. what do you spend the most time doing or worrying about.. is it what you should be doing or are you just wasting time and money when you should be worrying about something that will matter .... I had a friend tell me once.. will it matter tomorrow, next week, next month, next year.?? If it will matter in five years then it's worth worrying about.. if not don't waist the time on it or on trying to change it.. it won't matter if you do or not...!! Think about it..!!

Crystal went today to have some of her tests redone.. She had a CAT scan, chest X-Rays, the gallium put in for that test to be done on Thursday... Blood work.. stuff like that.. I just know she is going to get a good report... I can feel it.. I just know the tumor is shrinking.... She had blood on Friday.. She says she is feeling so much better now... God is a good and just God.. He has his reasons for everything... WE don't always know what they are..but he won't give us anything we can't handle......... Crystal is a strong little girl.. She will be wise way beyond her years when she beats this thing called.. CANCER... Hodgkin's Lymphoma............

I remember the first time I ever heard of Hodgkin's Lymphoma... I thought of yeah.. hummm what is that.... but I didn't really understand what it was............. I will never hear those words again without a knot in my stomach and an alarm going off in my head...

Life is precious... Don't waist a minute.. Hug your kids.. Let them KNOW you love them... Teach them right from wrong so you never have to worry about if they got Cancer where would their hearts be... KNOW they love God as much as you do.. and if you don't KNOW God.. then get on your knees.. IT"S WAY PAST TIME!!!!!!!!!~~~~

Some pics from the Weekend...

The Weekend is already over!!!

Man that was a short weekend.... It seems it rushed by so fast...
Hubby got home a bit ago.. He won second in the tournament this weekend... Not big bucks but it paid his expenses. He is dead tired though.. He already headed for bed.
Jason and Hank have already left for the week. Hank will be back probably tomorrow night. He has to do some student teaching at LW Tues and again on Thursday... Brad is coming down in the morning to hunt and plow for his father in law.. He said something about bringing Kali with him but that didn't work out. I'm not sure how long he will be staying.. but it will be nice to have him here for a while.
I know your dying to know how the races went over the weekend... Well they went horrible.. What is it that makes a black cloud follow us around??? They races were going great.. Jason was shining, Sometimes they were 3 or 4 wide and Jason wasn't givin an inch.. He was gradually gaining and passing everyone even though he had to start at the back like always.... Then if it weren't for bad luck we wouldn't have any luck... He broke an axle.....!!!!!!! What the crap??? See what I mean.... We can't win for loosing!!!!! Fate hates us at the races!!!
I got a new digital camera on Friday... My brother, his wife and son came in at mom's so everyone was there and we took some pics... I will have to load some on here so you can see everyone... We always tease that Mom just cooks when he comes home..but it sure was good food and good fun!!
Crystal goes to OKC to the doctor tomorrow they are going to run all the tests and see how much the cancer is responding to the Chemo... PLease everyone PRAY........................... Only God can take this and turn it around to a blessing and a witness for him!!!!
I better get to workin on my homework.. Have a good week.. and
REMEMBER Stop and smell the roses... Thank God for what you have... don't look for the bad.... Look for the good in everything.. I mean.. the glass is Half full--NOT half empty!!! :-)

The Weekend!!

It's here... the thing we all look forward to.... The WEEKEND!!
I just went to my first hour class yesterday, then I skipped out and went shopping..... MAN OH MAN... my feet were tired.. I got some good buys though. I bought a new digital camera. I sure hope it takes good pics. I"m excited to start to use it.
Crystal had to go back to the hospital yesterday. It seems her blood levels and platelets are really low. This upset her. But Vick said after they got to the hospital she was better. They said it could be done as out patient, but they got there about 10 and they didn't start giving her blood until 6. Don't ask me why.?? So they admitted her and she stayed over night. I haven't heard how it went yet. I will call them later to find out. Jason went by the hospital. He said she seems ok.. But then she always seems ok unless you catch her at a moment like I did last week.
She wanted to go watch Jason race tonight. He just has two races left and his dad is gone fishing for the weekend so he will be on his own in the pits tonight.. I hope there isn't any trouble!!!
I"m a little worried about Hank. He seems to be in a funny mood lately. I'm not sure what it is. He seems torn and troubled. Pray for him.. Thanks.!!

I didn't do it!!!

One of the CW workers got the ax today... I feel bad for her. I like her.... But she didn't do her job right.. I mean a CW worker has to be on their toes. They have children's lives in their hands.... They have to know policy inside and out. They can't put off until tomorrow what needs to be taken care of today... I can't wait until I get out of school.. I want to be the very best child welfare worker there has ever been.!!!! Kids need and deserve a good life... A life without abuse or being only a file on someone's desk..................................... It was her time to go....sorry girl.. I"M going to miss you!!
Crystal came home with me today.. She is doing much better. Her blood levels are really low so she can't go in public much. The risk of infection is too great. So she came to my house, played on the puter and gave her mom a break. I"m glad she did. I enjoyed her being here.
Hubby is still working on the race car, trying to get it fixed so Jas can race this weekend...Hubby is leaving Friday to fish a tournament so he wants it done by tomorrow night..but tomorrow nite is Survivor......!!!!!! I'm not sure he will get it done...??????????????????????????????

MY Head HURTS!!

I haven't had a head ache in a long time..but I do today... I'm not sure what is causing it... Maybe it was the Child Welfare meeting today.. Our new director talked about being on cases that produce dead children or babies... Do I really want to spend the next four years going to school to be a CW worker?? Isn't that a depressing job?? But then I see kids like the ones I know and love that are part of the system and I KNOW I want to make a difference in their lives....................*SIGH******* MY HEAD HURTS!!!

Today is a NEW DAY!!

Aren't you glad when it's a new day and you get to start over... if we could just do that without dragging yesterday's thoughts and actions into the present it would be wonderful.. Start each new day with a clean slate.... Gee.. Market that one and I would be a millionaire!!!

I have a busy day today.. Had a staff meeting at 8:30, went to tan and worked out at the gym for about 1:30.. Now I'm going to do online homework..YUCK!!! Have another CW staff meeting at 2:00.. have to transport kids this afternoon.... I am so Glad they have a visit with the dad..he calms them down..if it was the mom all she does is get them going so they are as wild as possible.. I mean even teaching the little one to head butt that is just 2... They are precious kids, I always enjoy transporting them... I do wonder though... why would a parent stick cigarettes to a child's back.. Not once but 6 times... teach them to head butt and still pretend to love them and want only their best interest.... ???? Strange world out there sometimes huh....

I guess to answer the first question.. The reason we can't start with a clean slate every morning is because of parents like the one I just mentioned... if they got away with it every time where would it end?? Next it wouldn't be just their kids.. it would be the neighbor kids.. and on and on...

I'm so glad I"m normal...LOL.. I mean.. I just started college at 49.... I get fired up about kids, races, God, family, all the normal things... I look for excitement outside my norm and tend to pick the underdog in any enviroment to see if I can change and make things better for them... if I get involved in their lives then I don't have to worry about what is wrong in mine right????????? Who said anything was wrong? LOL... I mean... What could be wrong?? I have a wonderful hubby, 3 grown boys... 27-21-19.. a wonderful daughter in law.. Two of the most precious grandchildren... a roof over my head.. and enough love for the whole world to go around from now til eternity..........................I have everything...

Life is good.. Life is GREAT... Life is just not Perfect... but then it never will be right????

Crystal had Chemo Today...

My head isn't with it tonight I don't guess... Crystal's Chemo went good today... Her and her mom are spending the night with her grandmother.. except... Grandma isn't there, she is in another hospital in the same town. It seems yesterday she started having mini strokes.. Pray for her!!!

Thanks........

OOOPS!!!

I forgot the picture........Dummy me.. ok here it is.. I took it with my phone so it's not very good!!!

BANG!!! As in banging your head against a brick WALL !!

Ok.. here it is.. I"m going to add a picture of the banged up car... Hubby says we aren't going back.. Jason says we are.. But hubby is out there right now working on the car. Even a guy in the lumber yard today told the #7.. if you have anything to say about the race.. we better take it outside because it's going to get ugly in here!!!! LOL....Now that is loyalty..!!!!
One of my kids had his tonsils out today. I went to the hospital. Just as he was about to get released his mom showed up. He turned his head and wouldn't even look at her. I ask him if he was going to talk to her. He said NO, she didn't want to come until I was leaving so I don't have to talk to her. Then he ask if I would carry him to the car. How is it that children can get so close to people they barely know and yet be so distant to those they love the most. Aren't we all like that in a way? We hurt the ones we love the most. Shut the ones we love out and be so sweet and understanding to strangers... I'm taking Psychology.. is that the fight or flight mode? Our built in radar that keeps us from getting hurt?
We have a Child Welfare staff meeting tomorrow.. Today was our director's last day. WE have a temp until they hire a new one. Do you think they will find a place for me full time... I would love that... a real paycheck.. insurance.. paid holidays... man oh man... ( but do I want to work for the DHS full time?? I mean food stamps, Tanif, CW, all that crap).... Decisions, Decisions.!!!
Oh yeah.. my youngest son might change schools at semester... He is presently going to OU.. but he feels they are mostly all stuck up and he doesn't seem to like it there.. So he might come back and go to the same College I am going to.. get his basics and go from there... WOW.... I'm excited... going to school with my BABY!!! but then.. that means I have to be nice....and not embarrass him...Darn!!!!

It's almost Monday!! *sigh*

Well the weekend is almost over.. Time to start thinking about the crap that needs to be done.. Like paying the bills in the morning before I leave for school.. Actually, I'm thinking about skipping school tomorrow... shhhhh..!! Don't tell... It's just this weekend has been so wild. My kids were all here.. Don't get me wrong .. I love having them here.. I"m never happier than when I can walk through the house and see all my kids asleep under my roof..!!!Hubby and Brad fished a tournament.. We rushed to the Calcutta, Rushed to the races, I got up with my little one 10 month old Braden during the night.. Played Barbies with Kali... My middle son, Hank was sick and throwing up all weekend.. Jason and Hank are still here, neither of them are leaving until in the morning to go back to college... I feel like I"ve rushed all weekend. Drank too much at the races last night when I got so mad...I want a break!!! I haven't even done my homework yet.. Hubby didn't win the fishing tournament.. MAN oh man I could have used that money.. it was 3700.00 in the Calcutta and about 2000.00 to win..but they bombed..only about 7 out of 42 teams even caught a bass.... maybe next weekend... !!
Have a good week.... !! Check back later.. I might not be so bitchy then...lol.... Cya.!!

Races !!

Good Morning!!! Just in case your wondering.. I"m using red font because I am HOT as in Mad as Hell !!
Well last night were the races.. my youngest son races a bomber on the local asphalt track. He has for 4 yrs... It is always exciting but last night was more than exciting.. My hubby NEVER and mean NEVER looses his tempter. But,.... Lately they have been picking on Jason...One person told us.. It's because they don't like the winners.. and we have been way ahead of everyone all year until the last 2 or 3 weeks... (that is because we had to get a new car because someone spun us out and trashed the old one) so to keep us from taking the lead they have been doing stupid stuff...things like they give nobody else a black flag but do Jas even when it's the other guy that spins him out, they give others extra laps to change tires but seem to always start the race back just as we are ready to go back on the track so we have to wait. All this has started since we have been leading in the points.. So as a result, the last 3 weeks we have fallen behind in the points with only 3 races left. We could catch up but not with the way they are doing us. We haven't gotten to finish a race but once in the last 4 races because of the bull s**t...we always have to start at the back of the pack.. just about the time we got in second place a guy spun us out.. we lost the front bumper and messed up the some of the fender..but the guys worked really fast and Jason got back on the track.. once again had to come from the back of the pack to get in third place.. when we got there a guy we "thought" was our buddy did us really dirty... Just as Jas was going around him.. an easy thing to do because our car is by far faster....well anyway.. Hubby and #7's dad both saw the same thing.. #7 deliberately turned his wheel hard to the right and smashed Jason into the wall... Jas spun, did a 360 and hit the wall again............. Totally trashed the car!!!! It won't be able to race again this year without mega money and time... Jason gets out totally pissed, walks over to the other guy asking him what the hell he thought he was doing... The track officials get on Jason... !!!! Hubby came unglued.. When #7 drives off the track.. Hubby, #7's dad and Hubby's brother all screamed at him... The cocky idiot just laughed and said.. well if Jason isn't in the running maybe I will get second in points this year!!!!!! THE ASS!!!! He is so stupid he can't even tell.... Jason is almost 800 points ahead him.. even if we don't race again this year he can't catch up and pass us in points... WE had a chance of taking the lead again last night and winning the points for the year last night if we had finished first... which we would have because the two cars in front were not usual winners.. They were slower cars that just got to start at the first because they were slow... They finished in the back... but we couldn't finish the race... OUR CAR IS TRASHED...!!!!
Later another driver went into the press box and jumped the owner..Someone who has been a rival all year but races fair and dislikes trouble.. Asking him why they pick on Jason and don't disqualify the idiot... They said it gets the crowd going and that is what they want...!!! Before the races were over hubby's brother cornered # 7... The idiot again stated.. Hey if he messed his car up that is racing... if he can't take the heat get off the track... This # 7 has crashed people all year long... Messed up mega cars and NEVER gotten disqualified or a black flag.... Most of the time they don't even make him go to the back of the pack for doing it..!!! But if Jason even drives through a wreck without braking.. they put him in the back, and give him the black flag for unsportsmanship conduct!!
Why do people do that.. are people actually that vindictive?? I mean.. it's not like Jason was a threat to this guy.. why trash his car for the fun of it.. the only guy that Jason has been competing for in points was about 5 cars behind them when the wreck happened...........
Sometimes I just want to scream at people and ask them if they have always been ass holes or if they are learning as they go!!!!

Crissy

Here is a picture I took of Crissy this past week... After she has lost all her hair... Her smile tells it all....
Her attitude is fantastic!!!

Crystal

Here are a couple of pictures of my niece Crystal. The first one is right after her first stay in the hospital when she first got her port in for Chemo. The second one was taken just a few months before she got sick.

Changing the World... One Thought at a Time!!

A lot has happened since I started this page.. Where do I begin... My 13 yr old niece has Hodgkins Lymphoma. For everyone who doesn't know what that is... She has CANCER. It's a mass as big as two large fists that is in both sets of lymph nodes in her neck, the ones under her left arm and it lays across her heart. We have a large family..It's not been easy for any of us to accept the fact that Crystal has cancer. It's really a long story and I won't bore you with it today...

But yesterday I stopped by her house. Crissy has been withdrawing from everyone.. Being either totally smarty pants or silent. Depending on the day or the moment. Her mom was asleep when I walked in so I tiptoed through the house. I was expecting Crissy to be asleep also. She wasn't. She was in her room, laying on the bed watching TV. She didn't have anything on her head. I think that embarrassed her when I saw her bald head. (She lost all her hair with Chemo). She had a strange look on her face when she saw me.. I knew I had come at a vulnerable moment. I sat on the end of her bed and we talked. We probably talked deeper than we ever have in our lives. Crissy means the world to me.. She is like my daughter. I know she thinks of my boys as her older brothers. She is an only child and has always been close to me and my boys.

You know.. we never know what life will deal us. How can we take it for granted. If I had cancer I would probably be on this big pitty party. Scared to death and mad at the world. I learned a lot in that hour with a precious barely teenager. I wish I had her faith and back bone. He attitude was basically. I have to deal with it.. I have no choice. Why be upset I can't change what God has given me.. I can only let it make me and my faith stronger. I will find out who really cares and who is only pretending to be my friends. Basically I have already found that out. Some stay in touch, others don't know what to say so they avoid me. She is a smart girl.. Strong in ways that have nothing to do with strength. Her exact words were "People used to think I was weak because I was so thin and didn't play sports and stuff.. But I'm strong and I'm going to beat this thing. I know God will give me the strength to pull through. If he doesn't then I will deal with that and have the faith it takes to meet him face to face."

OH MY GOD!!! All that from a 13 yr old wise beyond her years. Strong beyond any physical strength. Faith that can and will move mountains!!! Pray for Crystal.... and pray for the people she will come in contact with. God will and is talking through her and her situation to many..!!

On a different note.. I had to transport kids yesterday for Child Welfare. I have transported these children before. I kept thinking this one lady at school looked familiar but little did I remember.. Well not until I pulled up at her house with her 3 children and she came out the door. No wonder she hasn't been very friendly at school. She remembers me but I didn't place her.. Wrong place, wrong role in life I guess.??? I have no idea why her kids are in custody... I didn't ask... she is going to school to be a nurse... Does a nurse abuse her children?? Does a nurse take drugs?? What has happened in her life that her children are wards of the state and she is in the process of becoming a person who helps people?? Life is strange huh?

One of the other kids at school has me worried.. He wrote some poems.. he is so proud of them.. He printed them out and brought them for me to read... He is a troubled boy from a troubled back ground.. you can see it and hear it in his writing... I don't much about him.. but I want to get to know him. Was he a part of the system at one time, or did his mom move around a lot so the system didn't catch up? I know his dad has not been a part of his life. We have talked about that. I also know he has been in some trouble lately... Can my influence make a difference in his life? I have wondered many times why I decided to go back to school and yet as I get to know more and more people there I can't help but think, maybe it's not the school I was suppose to attend but the people God has placed in my path...

Well it's Saturday and I have a million things to do today.. Hubby is fishing this weekend. The Calcutta is today. He wants me and my daughter in law to go with him and my oldest son. But my youngest races tonight.. I don't want him going there alone.. So I guess I better get busy and get everything done so I can go one way at 3 and rush the other way at 7 to make the races... Now that leaves another decision.. What do you wear to a fisherman's Calcutta and when do you change into your racing shirt that says "MOM" of #13.... ???? Life... OH man... but you know ... at least God allowed me to be a mom and a good one I think.. I have great kids.... with great morals.. and high hopes, that look to God for guidance...
Pray for those that don't... Pray for the foster kids and the parents that put them in foster care.... when I first started to work foster care as an aide I wondered why I took this job.. I know why...my supervisor told me then.. Just remember.. what ever happens.. what ever decisions we make that someone doesn't agree with it's not our fault or the kids fault.. The parents put them here by their actions... IT's always the parents fault.!!!!
Pray for all those parents out there.. That God will guide them this Saturday night and no more children will be the victims of the system!!!!

Changing the World... One Thought at a Time!!

Changing the World... One Thought at a Time!!
Where do I start?? So much to say and yet where is the beginning.. Where does it end? What makes a person be a bad parent? What kind of parent will walk away from their child without regrets? What kind of person would abuse their child.??

I ask myself these questions every day. I see children that are so thirsty for love and attention. I spoiled my boys rotten.. Do I regret it?? NO WAY!! They never one day of their lives will wonder if I love them. Never will they question what they mean to me. They know I love them. They will grow up to be good parents.. They know how important it is.. and they welcome the opportunity....Unlike others.

I could tell you stories that would scare you for life. Stories of abuse and neglect... Of parents that will walk away just for a high... Walk away from their own flesh and blood just for drugs... Harm their own children because they are high on drugs.. Or have so much anger in themselves they take it out on poor innocent children that end up in the hospital.. If they are lucky so that someone, somewhere notices and puts a stop to it before the next face they see is that of the LORD...

My intention is not to tell horrible stories... But to wake people up... make them aware of their neighbors, of the children in the Wal Mart that are being dragged to the car..Of the quiet child at school... quiet because no one knows what happened last night at their house.. Children scare to tell because they are afraid it will only mean more of the same... I just want someone, somewhere to read this and make a difference in some child's life. A difference for the better.

I had a foster parent tell me once. Just one night in my home might give a child HOPE. Just one hug might let them know someone cares what happens to them. I want to be that hug or that bed offered.. I want to change a child's life. Sure it hurts when they have to leave. My heart breaks everytime.. But I can go on.. I can love another and another.. Without the night in my house that child might never know what love is or means.. I'm willing to cry for them, to pray for them, to love them. God will heal my hurt with another hungry child. I might be some child's only HOPE. That is why I"m a foster parent. God didn't think I needed to have children of my own. He knew I had too much love to give to just one child. He knew I needed to love every foster child that I come in contact with. He gave me a gift... I pass that gift on to every foster child that spends a night in my home and receives a hug from my loving heart!!!

That foster parent is an Angel sent directly from God.!!!

So help me here.. Help me to make others aware...Stop the circle of abuse.. Stand up for something before you become part of the problem by not caring enough to Stop the turmoil of abuse.!! These Children are so special each one.. everyone... They cry real tears... They have very real fears... They just want to be loved.... Just like everyone else!!

Child abuse...is many things.. Sometimes neglect can be so hurtful for child!!

Friday, September 23, 2005
Today I had a grandparent stop me... She was very upset. She has raised her grandson since both parents were put in jail for Meth. both making and selling.. They are both out of jail now but she continues to raise the child. The parents have divorced... It's complicated but then every situation surrounding abuse is.
The mom has been staying with the grandparents and child. Her latest boyfriend beat her up. She got picked up again from drugs.. She is waiting to get into drug rehab...But low and behold today things changed. The daughter called the boyfriend. He came and picked her up less than a block from the house. Her son, 7 years old was playing outside with friends. He saw her leave with the man.. He goes running home.. Screaming,"Nana, Mama left with him. She left again.. She didn't even say bye.. Nana why did she do that. He will hurt her again.. Hurry Nana, I have to go save Mama.. I have to stop her from leaving.. He then broke down crying.. Nana, she didn't even wave bye to me... she didn't even wave!!! " He then began to cry and shake until his whole body was shaking.
What do you tell a 7 yr old at that point?? How do you explain that the sex and the drugs are more important to his mom than he is?? How do you replace the confidence that has been washed away from the little boy that lives to have mom watch him hit a home run or break a board in Karate.. Only to have him feel so helpless and unloved.. Wondering what he did wrong that mom left.. or thinking he has to go after her and SAVE HER!!!
Nothing can save her.......................... Pray and thank God that the little boy has Nana so he never has to be in the house again when it blows up from a Meth lab like he was before. Pray he never has to be rushed to the hospital with burns or injuries from the boyfriend who is doped up and boy is in the way.. Or will tell what he has just seen.......
God Help those children that don't have a Nana to go running to!!!

Where do I start?? So much to say and yet where is the beginning.. Where does it end? What makes a person be a bad parent? What kind of parent will walk away%